Light & Airy
Many of you already know of my recent struggles.
And now, in the face of my husband's lies, I wonder what he had really expected me to do?
The day he moved out it was like I had fallen from an airplane without a parachute. More so, it felt like I had kamikazed from it with barely a hope of landing some place safe where I wouldn't shatter all my stupid naive bones. When I looked down all I could see was a most treacherous and foreign terrain and the worst part? I out there falling all alone. I felt upside down and inside out. For me, the words telling him to leave that tumbled out of my mouth that day contained no tempest of swirling emotion or pitching violence, but instead just gave root to the most unhappy understanding that there would be no halting the momentum this time of all the bad decisions he had made blindly days and months and years before without me.
Of course I hesitated before I asked him to go because I saw 6 years of loving him as a reason to reconsider. In truth, I am more scared to fall out of love than in, but to trust my instinct or not to trust, that really has always been the question.
Since that epic fall I have finally gotten my feet pretty much back on the ground and was surprised to find that my next instinct was to take physical stock. Was I bleeding? Had I hit my head? Could I stand without falling again? Why was I always holding my breath?
The exhaustion of the journey that far had settled heavy in my stomach and I couldn't stop throwing up. The world had gone quite and the solitude read as heartbreaking, triumphant and surreal. I had doubted so much that I was strong enough to make it this far. Why do I doubt so much?
Now three months in, the future mapped out in my head hasn't found a way to forget him. I haven't started sleeping in the middle of the bed. I smell his smell everywhere. And these sights and sounds, once a welcomed addition, have become obstacles threatening to tear down my day.
I try to keep this little pet project of mine light and airy, but I'm sure you'll see more of this in the coming months. I am trying to think of this as a new adventure - one where I am not going to bother trying to foresee the outcome. I hope to be saved, but if it turns out that I don't have a hero I promise you I will save myself.
And now, in the face of my husband's lies, I wonder what he had really expected me to do?
The day he moved out it was like I had fallen from an airplane without a parachute. More so, it felt like I had kamikazed from it with barely a hope of landing some place safe where I wouldn't shatter all my stupid naive bones. When I looked down all I could see was a most treacherous and foreign terrain and the worst part? I out there falling all alone. I felt upside down and inside out. For me, the words telling him to leave that tumbled out of my mouth that day contained no tempest of swirling emotion or pitching violence, but instead just gave root to the most unhappy understanding that there would be no halting the momentum this time of all the bad decisions he had made blindly days and months and years before without me.
Of course I hesitated before I asked him to go because I saw 6 years of loving him as a reason to reconsider. In truth, I am more scared to fall out of love than in, but to trust my instinct or not to trust, that really has always been the question.
Since that epic fall I have finally gotten my feet pretty much back on the ground and was surprised to find that my next instinct was to take physical stock. Was I bleeding? Had I hit my head? Could I stand without falling again? Why was I always holding my breath?
The exhaustion of the journey that far had settled heavy in my stomach and I couldn't stop throwing up. The world had gone quite and the solitude read as heartbreaking, triumphant and surreal. I had doubted so much that I was strong enough to make it this far. Why do I doubt so much?
Now three months in, the future mapped out in my head hasn't found a way to forget him. I haven't started sleeping in the middle of the bed. I smell his smell everywhere. And these sights and sounds, once a welcomed addition, have become obstacles threatening to tear down my day.
I try to keep this little pet project of mine light and airy, but I'm sure you'll see more of this in the coming months. I am trying to think of this as a new adventure - one where I am not going to bother trying to foresee the outcome. I hope to be saved, but if it turns out that I don't have a hero I promise you I will save myself.
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