Dream a little dream with me.
I'm sitting there, cocktail in hand, as a friend approaches. She sits next to me and we giggle warmly over a joke so familiar to us that we barely even need to finish it to smile. Her presence is so comforting, it twirls around me like smoke and I breath her in like I once did the lilacs of my childhood. I love her and it surprises me that I do because I'm older now and loving people doesn't come as easily as it once did.
Time moves forward, she leans in to me and lets fall out of her mouth that she has been sleeping with my Matt. She's startled that I didn't know. She tries to comfort me, to take a few words back but not all. She spits out the sentence again hoping it will be received a little softer. They simply have a connection, she explains, and I was lucky to have the time with him I did. How could I have not known?
My sight blurs. I blink hard. He's there with me and I'm begging now to know whether its true. What about these feelings, I press? What about those plans? He is apologetic but cannot put me back together again. I am broken again and this time I'm certain enough pieces of my heart have been fallen away that it will never be normal again.
I open my eyes to find that it was all a dream. A terrible soul twisting dream.
Morning dreams are always rough for me and they almost always mean that I have slept too long because I wake with the impression that my body has been alert for some time, but that my mind has been inexcusably trapped.
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This morning's dream sucked.
So where is this dream coming from?
Am I feeling vulnerable amidst all the life changes Matt and I have underway? We are considering a big move! More to come on that!
Am I reacting to recent triggers? Over the weekend while out with a ton of friends, he grabbed his phone away from me before I could read an incoming text message. He responded to it and gave it back to me to look a bit begrudgingly. The incoming message? A mutual girlfriend of ours who you must first know that I have no reason to suspect wrote to him: Do you want to go outside just you and me? Out of context and mixed with the jolt in his reaction, really took the wind out of me.
Are fears rooted in past relationships still nipping at me? It has been years since I've even spoken to my x-husband, but the scars left from that relationship still pull and pinch. He was a world class liar and by the time I finally left, he had twisted my head so far around that there was not much about my life that I could trust as being completely true. I should finally write a post about him - enough time has past. The upshot is that it has taken me years to finally relax into a place where I can trust not only others, but also myself. Oh yes, I still wonder if I'm seeing the world as clearly and correctly as I should, I was that naive back then. Perhaps this dream is just reminding me that I'm scared to find that someone's loyalty is a lie again and that I am again deluded.
Or am I simply recognizing that I love my life and would hate to have it ripped away? Life is good! I mean really really good! How can a part of me not be scared to lose the awesomeness of this life! Matt is the center of my 'big picture' and I'm so excited for a future with him. That's natural enough, right?
Well, the bad feels of this morning have faded away. I spoke to Matt and he tried, bless his heart, to give me some peace. As always you could sense the tiny divide between us during the conversation - with me trying to attack my feelings analytically and him trying to chill his hot reactions long enough to settle my nerves. Thankfully, we're getting better at all this adult-ness.
Time moves forward, she leans in to me and lets fall out of her mouth that she has been sleeping with my Matt. She's startled that I didn't know. She tries to comfort me, to take a few words back but not all. She spits out the sentence again hoping it will be received a little softer. They simply have a connection, she explains, and I was lucky to have the time with him I did. How could I have not known?
My sight blurs. I blink hard. He's there with me and I'm begging now to know whether its true. What about these feelings, I press? What about those plans? He is apologetic but cannot put me back together again. I am broken again and this time I'm certain enough pieces of my heart have been fallen away that it will never be normal again.
I open my eyes to find that it was all a dream. A terrible soul twisting dream.
Morning dreams are always rough for me and they almost always mean that I have slept too long because I wake with the impression that my body has been alert for some time, but that my mind has been inexcusably trapped.
This morning's dream sucked.
We all know what this kind of dream is like.
The kicker here is that it is against my nature to fear being cheated on.
*Arrogance Alert* I am just vain enough and just arrogant enough to believe that no one would ever cheat on me. I can't believe I'm about to admit this, but my conceit goes so deep that when I catch someone sizing me up, I instantly assume that they like something about me. Yeah... that is maybe one of those personality traits that are better left under covers. I've embraced it truthfully all this time because well... who wouldn't prefer to be vain in this way than self-conscious?
So where is this dream coming from?
Am I feeling vulnerable amidst all the life changes Matt and I have underway? We are considering a big move! More to come on that!
Am I reacting to recent triggers? Over the weekend while out with a ton of friends, he grabbed his phone away from me before I could read an incoming text message. He responded to it and gave it back to me to look a bit begrudgingly. The incoming message? A mutual girlfriend of ours who you must first know that I have no reason to suspect wrote to him: Do you want to go outside just you and me? Out of context and mixed with the jolt in his reaction, really took the wind out of me.
Are fears rooted in past relationships still nipping at me? It has been years since I've even spoken to my x-husband, but the scars left from that relationship still pull and pinch. He was a world class liar and by the time I finally left, he had twisted my head so far around that there was not much about my life that I could trust as being completely true. I should finally write a post about him - enough time has past. The upshot is that it has taken me years to finally relax into a place where I can trust not only others, but also myself. Oh yes, I still wonder if I'm seeing the world as clearly and correctly as I should, I was that naive back then. Perhaps this dream is just reminding me that I'm scared to find that someone's loyalty is a lie again and that I am again deluded.
Or am I simply recognizing that I love my life and would hate to have it ripped away? Life is good! I mean really really good! How can a part of me not be scared to lose the awesomeness of this life! Matt is the center of my 'big picture' and I'm so excited for a future with him. That's natural enough, right?
Well, the bad feels of this morning have faded away. I spoke to Matt and he tried, bless his heart, to give me some peace. As always you could sense the tiny divide between us during the conversation - with me trying to attack my feelings analytically and him trying to chill his hot reactions long enough to settle my nerves. Thankfully, we're getting better at all this adult-ness.
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