chron·i·cles: Sally Forth!

Married Men. 

I think about them often. 

In my line of work, I meet so many of them. 

And perhaps because so many rotate in and out of my line of sight, I've begun to see a set of categories take shape: The Frank Philanderers, The Indirect Disloyalists, The Woulds if They Coulds and The Fortified & Faithfuls.

Now I'm no trained psychologist, but my position is unique enough to have allowed for over 15 years of candid conversations with men from every walk of life across 30 US states and 26 countries.  

I am that girl your husbands are talking to. 

At times, I am an object - thought to be easily won by a slick sales pitch or bought with promises and a shiny surprise.

And just as often, I am no one. Simply a person in the world that happened to cross their path that day. 

The differences between the Faithful and the Faithless create miles between and are a culmination, I'm sure, of a swirling ever-changing pool of personal experiences and inner strengths and shortcomings. This is not what interests me. 

I'm much more intrigued by what shape the adulterous nature takes... or if loyal, how loyal. Takes take a quick circle around the 4 categories and see what surfaces.

The Frank Philanders: 

The Franks are my favorite type of cheaters to speak to and I must say that I've only recently begun coming across them. Now, before you comment on the changing of the times, this recent wave of upfront, brazenly honest men may really say more about me than society. A cheater before all else is a salesman after all. They must convince you of their worth in order for you to buy what they're selling. The Personal Sell, which is used countless times in the business world, is that personalized face-to-face technique that endears the seller (cheater) to the buyer (the potential mistress) making it much more likely you'll do business with them. Wildly successful salesmen will even naturally shift their personalities to match you (your way of thinking, your manner of speech - anything really) in order for you to feel more at ease with them. At 31, I speak boldly now and do not shy away from direct conversations. In fact, I light up when I get into one. A salesman would notice that and run with it.

The Franks are confident, whether they are whispering to you in secret or speaking out loud. They are seemingly showing you their hand (forgive the cliche) in a this-is-me-take-me-or-leave-me sort of way. I am married, they say, but I like you and I have plenty of time for you. We are both adults, they want you to know. We can do this without shame or regret. You can begin and end this at any time. You are in control. 

What a lovely offer and an interesting one. I would be curious to know how often this technique is employed and how often it works. It seems to me that it would be a last ditch effort in most conquests. How many people would not be intimidated by such frankness? But then perhaps it is the intimidation that does the trick in this scenario. Young ladies are empowered by such feminist concepts and yet at the same time the masculine prowess needed to pull off this proposal can be belittling.

I'm sure alcohol helps.  

  

The Franks lead you to believe that because you are aware of his marriage that you won't ever be let down... disappointed... broken hearted. More likely you'll find that when this sense of empowerment fades away, what they have actually managed is to take away your right to ever feel justified in your feelings toward them. Fall in love and you'll be left questioning what the point of it is - he's already intimated that he'll never be wholly yours after all. Feeling hurt and upset? How could you be, he'll want to know. He never made promises to you and wait - didn't he say that it was you in control of starting and ending this affair? His honestly may seem forward-thinking and adult at the time, but really it is just his way of escaping culpability. And avoiding blame seems pretty childish to me.  

The Indirect Disloyalists

The Indirectors are much more common. They passively manipulate and lead you down a twisting path to their bed before you can stutter out... Mrs. Who? And this can all happen in a night. They start out as friends, as pals, as buddies. They laugh and play and seem genuinely excited you are around. What a miracle that your night has taken this turn! By the end you are having so much fun or the connection between you seems so strong that you simply miss all the married signs. 

Or you don't miss them and the dance begins. 

Yeah, I'm married, but you don't know the whole truth:

       ... We haven't slept in the same bed in ___ years. (my personal favorite)

       ... She's so awful to me, but I can't leave because of the kids. 

       ... We're separated. I can't stop my life from moving forward any more. It's not fair to me. It would kill me to miss out on being with you.

       ... She's seriously sick. What kind of man would I be if I left someone so sick? I stay only to take care of her. We have an understanding.   

       ... We haven't been happy together in years. I never expected I'd meet someone like you. I'm just as scared as you are, maybe even more so. 

This could go on for miles. 

They count on your being blinded by hope.

Hope that this connection is real,
and that makes this the cruelest form of deceit. 

Clearly this courtship can be dragged out for an endless amount of time with both of you finding ways to visit one another. If you were both single, this would actually be a pretty incredible way to begin a relationship. The married man must constantly monitor your comfort level and so is likely always reconnecting you two emotionally - letting you in on his deepest thoughts and hopes as a way to endear himself to you. How often do you have thoughtful conversations especially crafted toward tightening your relationship with your average single guy especially in the beginning? Singles, maybe you should be taking notes!

The Woulds if They Coulds

There is most definitely a grey area here. Does flirting constitute cheating? I personally don't think so, though clearly there is a fine line between flirting with intent and flirting without. Really, only you know how far you will go and the hope is that your partner has a deep faith that you will never push the boundaries of your relationship. As an outsider, it is easy for us to throw The Woulds straight into that cheater pool, but in my opinion casting judgment should not be that cut or dry. Should someone really be faulted for simply recognizing the appeal in another person? We are human after all. It is only natural that we size each other up. And what then if we communicate these observations either through our words or with body language? Should we really be faulted for admitting to our opinions? I'll use myself as an example here. While working at my bar, I am a terrible flirt and I consider it an art. I'm certain the jokes I make and the eye batting I do would tap the walls of many a comfort zone. I do this without guilt though because I know without a doubt that nothing will ever pull me away from my Sweet Love Matt. And I know that he is rock solid in this as well - a killer result I imagine of being able to talk to each other about absolutely anything. To the hopefully, I may likely appear available, but Matt and I know that I am not. I am no cheater and no word or deed will change that. 

The Fortified & Faithfuls. 

Essentially:

You're a stand up guy!

And we love you for it!

 You deserve all your successes in this life.